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Hell Hath No Fury Like an Old Black Impala

January 12th, 2006 Leave a comment Go to comments

One of the joys of being temporarily laid off and unemployed is suddenly there’s so much time to take care of the minor domestic items that are hard to fit in a 40-hour work week.

(Damn it’s hard to write while watching The Colbert Report)

Early the other morning I dropped my wife off at work and proceeded down two fairly busy roads in Lansing, Okemos Road and Mount Hope. I was on my way to pick up my poor cat from the vet following the loss of his manhood, and I as I approached an intersection a large black Impala decided he should test the spatial boundaries of our vehicles (near as I could tell). He was waiting to turn right into my lane, I had a green light and he was sitting at a red. He had plenty of opportunity to go before I even approached the intersection, but he waited until the last possible second to pull out and cut me off in the process. Brakes jammed, swerving left, barely miss the asshole. As I flew by him (now in the left lane, it’s a 45 mph road and moving was safer than total brake lock) I flipped him off.

Yes, I’ll admit, I flip people off on the road. Other than the horn it’s my only display of “road rage”. I only use it when necessary, and more often than not I do nothing at all. What can I say? I learned how to drive just outside Chicago.

Now, this Impala looked to be a mid-1990’s model which resembles the cop-friendly Caprice Classic so it’s got a gigantic V-8 under that hood, and post-bird appearance I of course watched the car in my rear view mirror.

If there were any doubts about that V-8 they were cleared up as I watched the Impala roar up behind me (I could hear the engine over my completely closed car with CD playing loudly). I swear it seemed like he was doing at least 70 trying to catch up.

We reached the next red light and as we came to a full stop I realized he’d left the car and was walking (on the freaking double yellow line on a 4 lane 45 mph road) up to me. It dawned on me what a great invention power locks are.

Just as I could see him in the corner of my eye the light turned green and I peeled out like I have never done before. Thank God those tires are pretty fresh.

(Now, this is the moment when I just have to point out the inner glee I felt at this moment, leaving this asshole standing in the middle of the road while his lady friend yelled at him from the passenger seat)

As you can probably guess this was followed by another episode of him doing some insane speed to catch up, and at the next light he decided to pull into the right lane along side me. At first I thought I’d just ignore him, but finally I looked over and he seemed relatively calm. He was gesturing for me to roll down my window. So I did.

Jerk: “What the hell man? Why’d you flip me the finger?”

Me: “Because you almost killed us that’s why! If I hadn’t slowed down or moved into the other lane you would’ve hit me.”

Jerk: “Well what does it matter?”

(This was the moment when I realized the futility of continuing the conversation)

Me: “Well, if you did that with somebody driving a truck or SUV towards you you probably wouldn’t live to have the conversation we’re having now.”

Jerk: “Whatever man.” *stomps on gas pedal*

And he ran the red light we were sitting at.

Single worst road rage incident I’ve ever had in Lansing.

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