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The Tourist is going to Hell…..

In an effort to keep myself awake and entertained at work, I’ve started playing minor pranks on my coworkers.

I’ve put a can of pineapples on my Samoan friend’s desk, left a handful of ice cubes on this girls seat when she got up, changed the background and screen saver on another ones unguarded computer, the usual.

But today, I got the unusual chance to go above and beyone my normal hijinx….

I have a friend at the IT help desk named John. He would tell me horror stories about dealing with morons with computer problems, I would tell him mine about customers I served in restaurants.

Well, one day John sends me an email about some new employee they got named Jugdish. Apparently Jugdish was a polite soft spoken kid fresh out of school.

That poor bastard had no clue he just jumped in a tank of full of piranhas.

The IT Support Desk team is notorious for hazing new employees and pulling pranks on each other. One of the
rights of passage is getting an obscene amount of salt or vinegar put in your coffee or water. Poor Jugdish. As John
put it, “You havent heard anyone swear till you’ve heard an angry Indian swear” But Jugdish took it in stride, and
rarely lost his cool.

But one day I got a glorious opportunity dropped in my lap. I called up the Support Desk to get a password changed. After
a minute or two of excrutiatingly awful muzak on hold, the tech guy picked up.

“Thank you for calling the IT help desk, this is Jugdish. How may I help you?”

No. Way. This is too perfect. I have GOT to do something to this kid. Its got to be good too, cause its all going to
be recorded! (Most trainees have all their calls monitored for review during their first 2 weeks)

I had to be quick. I needed to buy some time, feel this guy out. Come up with a game plan. I asked him to reset my
password first. That would give me a little time to think.

“Is there anything else I can help you with today sir?”

You bet your ass there is Jugdish.

There is a special place in Hell for people like me. People who take joy and glee out of dispensing misery
and harrassment onto others.

I did my best not to laugh. I took a deep breath, and mustered the most irritated voice I could.

“I think theres a virus on my computer. Cause everytime I try to go to bangbus.com, i get this error message saying
its blocked.”

“bang bus?”

“yeah, its this really fantastic site where these guys drive around in a van and pick up broads who dont have a car,
give them a lift and f*ck them! they tape the whole thing! then they dump them off in the middle of nowhere!!”

I laugh for a bit, pause and wait for his reaction. I hear silence. Then in a hesitant and uncomfortable tone
of voice, he asks:

“this, this bus site. it is, pornography?”

“hell yeah it is! the best money can buy. you get access to like 15 sites for one fee.”

*pause* “well sir, its not a virus. avnet does not allow adult content to be viewed at work”

“thats crap lugtish.”

“its jugdish. I’m sorry you dont agree sir.”

“so, are you allowed to look at naked women in Pakistan? or do you get killed for that sort of thing?”

“Pakistan?! No sir, I am indian. I do not know what the policy on adult content is there.”

“jaglish, you have been no help at all. can you remove the software?”

At this point, Jugdish is starting to sound very annoyed. Mispronouncing his name and calling him Pakistani really twisted
his titties.

“No. I cannot remove that software.”

“Look, just cause you have something against that type of stuff doesnt mean you have to act all high and mighty! Put your
supervisor on the phone right now”

I could hear the panic in his voice as he said, “oh, uh ok.” I almost stopped there.


He went and got his supervisor, my buddy John. John got on the horn, and stated his name and title.

“John, its Riggs. I’m pranking juggy, play along”

He paused only for a moment. His reply, I will never forget. In a rushed and panicky voice, he replied:

“Mr Riggs? oh, uh, yes! How can I help you?” *whispers to Jugdish* “this is the vice president!! what in the world did you
say to him?!”

Jugdish hadnt done anything wrong.
Jugdish followed protocol.
Jugdish was surprisingly professional.

But it was Jugdish’s first week of his first real job out of college, and the VP is yelling at his boss. I could practically
hear the kid sweating. My job was done. I started cracking up. John laughed, and asked what I had done to the poor kid. I
told him to listen to the recording and get back to me.

About 20 minutes later, John called me back. I could several techs listening to the recording and laughing in the
background. One of them commented to Juggy that he never would have stayed that cool if he had taken that call. I got
Juggy on the phone, apologized and asked if we were cool. His response?

“Yes, we are cool. But payback, as you say in your country, is a bitch.”


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  1. December 8th, 2006 at 11:09 | #1

    As usual Mr Riggs your talent for elaborate social pranking knows no bounds.

    And that’s as it should be 🙂

    Excellent work

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