Church Of The Geek

Transformers, More than Meets the Eye

“This will not end well.”
 -Banky Edwards, Chasing Amy
 

Well put, my comic loving friend! This will not end well indeed.

hello geeks. I’m very concerned about next summers live action film, “Transformers The Movie”. Now I love transformers just as much as the next guy, hell, I’ve seen the animated version like, 15 times. And I’d be lying if I said I didnt well up a little every time Optimus bought the farm after
the siege of autobot city. (of course, I cry every time I watch Beaches too. Back to my rant…)

But its MICHAEL BAY. And god help me I am not making this up, this is the guy who got his start shooting music videos for such 80′s powerhouses as Lionel Ritchie, Donnie Osmond, and Wilson Fucking Phillips. And guess who’s helping with the script? One of the guys who wrote…[cold shudder], Catwoman.

Really.

Thinking about this movie gave me this oddly familiar, albeight weird feeling in the pit of my stomach. Remember those talent shows back in school? The feeling I get thinking about this movie is the feeling I got at one of those shows. This movie is like your really clueless awkward friend. He’s going on stage, in front of the whole school. And you’ve known this guy for like FOREVER. You love the guy, but you know he’s going to humiliate himself in front of everyone. He’s doing a puppet show with his stuffed animals in really high voices, that makes everyone cringe, or something.

And you just KNOW he’s gonna suck. Really, really bad.

But he’s your friend, and you want to root for him. But you’re dreading the upcoming performance, and that wise* voice in the back of your head warns you….

“The whole school will laugh. His bit will blow. And as impossible as it may seem Tyler, you will be even less cool for being his friend…”

Sigh, the voices in my head are almost** always right…..

Next summer rolls around, and we geeks will hear normal people talking:

Attractive Girl- “Hey, did you hear MICHAEL BAY is doing another movie! I loved Armageddon! And Pearl Harbor was sooo good….”
{you vomit, and then die a little bit inside}

Prick- “Yeah, its about some GAY toy from the 80′s or something.”
{your world turns blood red for a second, then you calm down….}

You- “Well, it might be ok. The animated one was pretty good and-”

Prick- “What, dont tell me you’ve got those DOLLS and shit in your room TOO?!?!”

You- “They’re not DOLLS, they’re collectible action-”

Prick- “Dude, throw away your dolls and move out of moms basement.”

You- “First, they’re not dolls. Second, I’m just saving up some money till-”

But its useless.

The discussion has long been over. The prick takes the hottie to Fast and the furious four, gets a BJ in the theatre, meanwhile you are desperately trying to get your friends to stop LARPing and see the movie that they have already read the script to, and re-enacted with their dolls….er,
“collectible action figures”.
 

You were right Banky…it didnt end well. *sigh*

-the tourist

*not always wise, remember that drinking game the voice came up with? “Tequila Torpedo”? Sigh…so many needless deaths…

**not always right, remember that bet with the redneck and that cat you shaved?

Hey nerds!

My name is Tyler. I’m an alcoholic, chain smoking capricorn that just wants to be loved.

I figured I’d introduce myself, seeing as how you may come across some of my work in the near future. The asshole that runs this site happens to be a very near and very dear person that I used to borrow money from. We met shortly after we both learned how to poop in toliets. (We’ve known each other a while)

He mentioned that I could use his website to post some stuff I wanted to write about. I fully plan on making him regret this decision as much as possible.

But before I start in on my substance abuse problems, fascination with dolls, weird rashes, or anything else that gets me kicked out of the public library for talking about, I thought I’d share a few things about myself.

1. No one will give me car insurance.

2. I once failed a class in college because I didnt take the test because I had shit my pants on the way there. TRUE STORY. Really.

3. I like unicorns.

4. Best animated movie ever? Transformers. AND SO HELP ME GOD IF BAY FUCKS IT UP, he’s a dead man.

Thats it for now. later!