Archive for the ‘the tourist’ Category

Best excuse EVER.

March 15th, 2007 No comments

I was brought to the attention recently of what can only be described as one of the more original, and funny, alibis for a crime ever.

“I didnt bring in a two by four and try to rob that store! It was my [I’m not making this up] evil twin brother!”

Jebus riding a bicycle! If only I had thought of that before several of my numerous run ins with incarceration….

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New species of humans!!

January 30th, 2007 No comments

Dude! New species of humans discovered on tiny island in Indonesia! Not only that, but they’re tiny!!!!


My creepy dreams of a race of midgets have FINALLY come true! Too bad the little buggers have been extinct for 12,000 years. They would have made the best ankle-biting army a guy like me could have asked for….

-El Touristo

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my unhealthy obsession with midgets…

January 4th, 2007 1 comment

So I was watching “The Littlest Groom” yesterday, right? Its this reality TV show (and this is really quite fantastic) about a bunch of midgets trying to find love. There’s one man-midget, and about 12 lady midgets. The lady midgets are all competing for his love.

I know what you’re thinking. “reality TV dude? really? you always said you were above that” Well I’m not above a TV show about midgets. *snickers at the pun* Well, I was. Until I found out there was a show with a midget only cast…. Read more…

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January 2nd, 2007 2 comments

Good. God.

If there is anything I learned from New Years Eve, its that “blue-balling” a guy should be a god damn felony.

Read more…

Categories: rants, the tourist Tags:

The Tourist gets fired….

December 20th, 2006 4 comments

So Wednesday started off normally enough. After my recent 6 month review, I’ve been trying much harder to get to work early everyday. The highway I take is really a just a big parking lot filled with what seems to be asian women behind the wheel of every car.

So after staving off death every morning on my way to work, I usually arrive a bit frazzled. This morning was no different. I hustle up to the building, and whip out my access card to get in.

Doesnt work. Read more…

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The Tourist is going to Hell…..

December 8th, 2006 1 comment

In an effort to keep myself awake and entertained at work, I’ve started playing minor pranks on my coworkers.

I’ve put a can of pineapples on my Samoan friend’s desk, left a handful of ice cubes on this girls seat when she got up, changed the background and screen saver on another ones unguarded computer, the usual. Read more…

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The Tourist reviews….

October 26th, 2006 2 comments


This charming, quaint little drama is about two young 7th graders in Japan, who despite all the obstacles, defy the odds and fall in love. And when I say obstacles, I mean their entire 7th grade class is kidnapped by the government and forced to fight each other to the death on a secluded Pacific Island!

This little gem runs a little long at about 2 hours on the dot, but oh is it WORTH IT! The premise, in the near future, the youth of Japan have gotten unbelievably out of control. Desperate to regain order, the Japanese government implements a plan where a class of 7th graders (about 43 total) are kidnapped, and forced to fight each other to the death on a remote island. After 3 days, if there is more than one person left alive, everybody dies.

This rock and roll epic of teenage violence and social commentary can be a little campy at times, but if you’re looking for a couple of hours of uncomfortably violent cinema, then this is it. The acting is suprisingly good, the budget is HUGE, and the plot, (while totally unbelievable) is good enough to carry the real draw, action action and more action.

Loved it! I wont give away anything major, but there something deeply satisfying about watching a clique of snotty girls rip each other apart in a lighthouse.

The tourist gives it…..

7 out of 10!

-The Tourist

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The Tourist reviews….

September 25th, 2006 2 comments


Starring no name actors! With a director you havent heard of!

Now, I’m what you would like to call a “zombie connoseuir”. I’ve seen’em all. ALL. Even a lot of late sixties – seventies Italian zombie movies. I was, “that guy” that forced his friends to sit through such classics as “Dawn of the Dead” and “Dead Alive” way back when.

Severed is about *sigh* an experiment with genetically engineered trees that goes wrong. Now, I’m not going to throw this movie under the bus for that alone. But lets take a look at some better causes for zombie epidemics:

1. Night of the Living Dead- Radiation from a comet! Eeery!

2. 28 Days Later…- Man made virus! Political!

3. Dead Alive- Bite from a half rat/half monkey! Funny!

4. Zombie- Voodoo experiements in the caribbean! Michale Bay-ish!

Its an independent film, so for that reason I will excuse a lot of things. Mediocre acting, so-so special effects, and location are all forgiven. Truth be told, most of that isnt too bad in this one. But its soooo predictable. Hero wanders in unaware. Almost bites it. Gets saved. Gets told. Friends die. Hooks up with camp of neonazi white people. Apparently which is worse than zombies. Heros leave. Zombies get in. Everybody dies.

Although the gayness factor is minimal compared to Land of the Dead, this movie still aint cutting the head off the shoulders, if you know what I mean.


Meh. So so. Ok, sortof. If you have nothing else to watch and are desperate enough, and you can find it, go for it. But if you come crying to me about wanting your two hours back, dont. You were warned….

The Tourist

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Chain letters dont make me angry, they make me stabby…..

September 10th, 2006 No comments

Oh, how I HATE chain letters…and the people that send them. Here are a few reasons why:

1. You will not save the life of some 6 year old addled with brain cancer by simply “forwarding a message”. If a six year old has brain cancer, God wants him to die. Dont mess with God’s plan. He will FUCK YOU UP.

2. The Make-a-wish Foundation doesnt use chain emails to get donations. People smarter than you use chain letters to entertain themselves. Dont be a retard.

3. I swear to CHRIST, if I get one more fucking email about a little kid and angels, I’m going
to burn down a church. A story about a little kid walking into a pharmacist looking to “buy
a meewacle” with money from her piggy bank for her terminally ill brother makes me angry. I
dont watch the family channel for a reason. I dont want this bullshit showing up in my inbox.

4. People dont use emails to find missing kids. They use the police and television.
And if you think forwarding an email about a kid who’s been missing for two weeks on the
other side of the country is going to help, you’re dumb. And wrong. But mostly dumb.

5. I WILL NOT, repeat will NOT, join your stupid fucking cause because of an email.
I will not save the baby seals, those fur coats they make out of them look too nice.
I will NOT try to stop horses from being killed for food. They’re an animal just like pigs or cows.
I will NOT change my political beliefs which took me 25 years to formulate because I got a
fucking email from a moron.

-the tourist

Categories: life, rants, the tourist Tags:

More than meets the eye….

August 30th, 2006 2 comments

Transformers, More than Meets the Eye

“This will not end well.”
-Banky Edwards, Chasing Amy

Well put, my comic loving friend! This will not end well indeed.

hello geeks. I’m very concerned about next summers live action film, “Transformers The Movie”. Now I love transformers just as much as the next guy, hell, I’ve seen the animated version like, 15 times. And I’d be lying if I said I didnt well up a little every time Optimus bought the farm after
the siege of autobot city. (of course, I cry every time I watch Beaches too. Back to my rant…)

But its MICHAEL BAY. And god help me I am not making this up, this is the guy who got his start shooting music videos for such 80’s powerhouses as Lionel Ritchie, Donnie Osmond, and Wilson Fucking Phillips. And guess who’s helping with the script? One of the guys who wrote…[cold shudder], Catwoman.


Thinking about this movie gave me this oddly familiar, albeight weird feeling in the pit of my stomach. Remember those talent shows back in school? The feeling I get thinking about this movie is the feeling I got at one of those shows. This movie is like your really clueless awkward friend. He’s going on stage, in front of the whole school. And you’ve known this guy for like FOREVER. You love the guy, but you know he’s going to humiliate himself in front of everyone. He’s doing a puppet show with his stuffed animals in really high voices, that makes everyone cringe, or something.

And you just KNOW he’s gonna suck. Really, really bad.

But he’s your friend, and you want to root for him. But you’re dreading the upcoming performance, and that wise* voice in the back of your head warns you….

The whole school will laugh. His bit will blow. And as impossible as it may seem Tyler, you will be even less cool for being his friend…”

Sigh, the voices in my head are almost** always right…..

Next summer rolls around, and we geeks will hear normal people talking:

Attractive Girl– “Hey, did you hear MICHAEL BAY is doing another movie! I loved Armageddon! And Pearl Harbor was sooo good….”
{you vomit, and then die a little bit inside}

Prick“Yeah, its about some GAY toy from the 80’s or something.”
{your world turns blood red for a second, then you calm down….}

You-Well, it might be ok. The animated one was pretty good and-“

Prick“What, dont tell me you’ve got those DOLLS and shit in your room TOO?!?!”

You“They’re not DOLLS, they’re collectible action-“

Prick“Dude, throw away your dolls and move out of moms basement.”

You“First, they’re not dolls. Second, I’m just saving up some money till-“

But its useless.

The discussion has long been over. The prick takes the hottie to Fast and the furious four, gets a BJ in the theatre, meanwhile you are desperately trying to get your friends to stop LARPing and see the movie that they have already read the script to, and re-enacted with their dolls….er,
“collectible action figures”.

You were right Banky…it didnt end well. *sigh*

-the tourist

*not always wise, remember that drinking game the voice came up with? “Tequila Torpedo”? Sigh…so many needless deaths…

**not always right, remember that bet with the redneck and that cat you shaved?

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